blogging at this time shows that I never go to school today. horrible virus attacking me. please pray cause I've napfa and I've a trial this saturday(only in the morning. I'll still see you guys in church!:D).

& HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOPHIA! :D

this week is my turn to share, and I've a story to tell. and its going to be a very long one.

there is this girl, when she was 11 years old, her parents seperated. without those 'black and white' paper work, they were just staying at 2 different parts of Singapore. she and her sisters was staying with her mum. it is just a nicer way to say they're seperated, in fact, it is the father who had abandon the family, and left. even as she was younger than 11, she had started wondering why her parents dont sleep together in the same room, like what is usually seen on tv.
at only 11, she had seen how a man can be so heartless towards his wife which he had married for more than 20 years, his flesh and blood and his family. her father has such a lousy character that makes her wonder why her mum married to him. he is a heavy smoker, a heavy alcoholic, a gambler. he never consider his family's well being, always smoking at home, making the family passive smokers.
her mum has a drawer that has a lock, she keeps the key with her all the time. somehow by some way, her dad actually get hold of the key to the drawer. when her mum is out to work, her sisters were out to work, and she was out to study, her dad opened the drawer and took everything that can be pawn away. everything.
later on, everyone was home except her dad, her mum felt something amiss, part of the man's clothing was gone and the key was at the drawer, where all her valuable were kept.
she went to check the drawer, all her jewelleries were gone. this wasnt the first time, previously her dad had taken some away too, but her mum just pretend nothing had happen. there was this gold bracelet which her mum value so much. it was the last gift from her grandmother(her mum's mum). even her mum's wedding ring, her dad also took it away, leaving nothing but a pawn slip.
her mum broke down and wailed, not just sobbing or crying, but wailing. its the first time she see her mum cry this way. her sisters went inside to comfort her mum but she just stay outside the room, crying together with her mum. not only feeling sad, she was angry too. she wanted to run out of the house and find her dad and rain questions at him, but she doesnt know where he had gone to. only 11, what can she do? she felt so helpless, all she did was watch and cry.

it was a good thing that her sisters had already started working and can support themselves, if not her mum's burden will be so heavy.
when she was 14, she was moving house. this had been pending for more than 7 years, finally the flat is ready. documents and stuff had to be done with both her mum and her dad, since it was applied under both their names. she and her elder sister went together with her mum to meet her dad. it was before meeting the agent to sign the papers. she never called him "papa" when she saw him, she just sit down and plug in her earphones, but only to one ear. she heard their conversation. her dad demanded for 50% of the amount of money from the selling of the old flat, if not he will not sign the papers. she thought after 3 years, he would change his habit, change to a better person, but he did not. he is still the same, still a jerk.
she wanted to voice out but was being rejected. she was young, and her comments were considered unconstructive.
the agent knows about this and started negotiation with her dad. In the end he got what he wants, money. he got $30,000 instead of 50%. she had so much to say, but she had to bottle it up. she feels that her dad is so insensible, he never considers her mum's burden. if he take away such a big portion of the money, she will have a bigger burden in paying for the flat. but he doesnt care, what he cares is that he needs the money to clear his debt, and his debt came from his lost in gambles.

when she was 15, her grandmother(her dad's mum) passed away. for the week of funeral, her mum took leave from work to help out at the funeral. it wasnt her own mum, but she still goes and help out. where is her dad when his own mum had passed away? he was nowhere to be seen, until the last day, when her grandmother was going to be cremated. she saw him, but kept a distance from him. she never go up to call him "papa" because she was unwilling to do that. he isnt any big businessman that doesnt has time to come down to attend the funeral. he has time but he didnt come down, only for the last day at the last moment, he appeared. her uncle(her dad's brother) teared so much for the death of the mother, but her dad did not. she thought to herself, he must be cold blooded.

her hatred had been piling since 11 years old. maybe you might think, she is siding her mum, thats why she keep saying bad about her dad. but she tried putting herself in both her mum's and her dad's shoes. she has no words to help defend her dad.

maybe you had guessed it. yes, this girl is me.

I never dare and never want to share this to anyone except friends that I'm close with. I kept this very personal. for the past few days, I had been thinking if I should post this up and God's answer was I should. hatred is a fierce word to use but it had been in me for years. this knot that I never get to untie. this barrier, that I never dare to cross.
had been praying about this but I guess my faith is not strong enough to trust in the Lord to help me untie this knot.

few days ago, I came across two of my friends' blog. both talk about salvation of their family members. and it got me thinking, for church events, I had been inviting friends. my family hasnt cross my mind when it come to such invitation. my elder sister who had been so focus in work and had back slided from God, my mum who is a buddhist, my dad who I dont even know his whereabouts. and my relatives, I'd already lost some of them who had gone to a horrible place. why am I not doing anything for their salvation? is it when it comes to a stage where they got a dreadful disease then I'll start crying to the Lord and ask Him to save them?

I pour this all out, unto Your hands Lord. OLord, I give You all my trust.
Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."